A Funny Email

I found this email in my inbox this morning and when I re-read it I thought it was a great representation of my office. It cracked me up and I hope it makes others laugh as well.

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

A Funny Email

Here is a funny email that I thought was blog worthy and obviously written and appreciated by Democrats.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU READ

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, a minority, a feminist, an atheist, or dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

Google Chef

Google on Thursday announced a global search for two executive chefs to oversee preparation of the Mountain View company's most celebrated employee perk: free gourmet meals.
To help feed the rapidly growing company's 4,100 employees, Google advertised an opening in December for a second lead chef to help Charlie Ayers, who formerly cooked for the Grateful Dead. Then, in May, Ayers quit to start his own chain of restaurants. Neither job has been filled.
"It's been a challenge to get someone who has the scale and quality (to live up to the company's expectations)," said Susan Wojcicki, a Google vice president on the hiring committee.
The requirements: five or more years as a sous chef and three years as an executive chef. Must be able to cook for vegetarians and carnivores alike, and use organic food whenever possible.
Wojcicki would not disclose how much the job pays. "I'm sure it will be competitive, plus all the Google benefits," she said, which includes -- along with the food, of course -- sports facilities, massage and yoga classes.
Google plans to invite the top applicants for a cook-off, preparing meals for several dozen members of a tasting committee that probably will include co- founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page.
Finding a chef with experience cooking for thousands of people isn't easy, said Dawn Jantsch, managing director of the American Culinary Federation, which represents nearly 19,000 chefs. Still, she has never heard of a company issuing a news release and holding a cook-off to find a corporate chef.

OK, let's put this in perspective. If I was a master chef with the appropriate qualifications, would I want to work at Google? Would I know what Google was? Would I care what Google was? So as a master chef with 5 years of experience and 3 years as an executive chef, I would have to create meals (free of charge to my patrons) for the privileged employees of Google and possibly its co-founders, Sergey Brin and Larry Page. Oh my goodness, all of my hard work has paid off. Not only do I get to do a thankless job for the spoiled brats of the industry (who wouldn't know the difference between a sandwich and a sub), but I don't get the appreciation and recognition that I deserve after years of hard work and countless hours of preparation. Yeah, let me just flock over to Google and hope that they give me a chance to work in their wonderous temple full of diamonds and glitter.

Um...no, but tough choice though.

Marketing

In the news today, it is reported that the brief but quotable career of fictional film critic David Manning has officially come to an end. A Los Angeles Superior Court judge last week signed off on a settlement of a class-action suit that will see Sony Pictures pay more than $1 million for luring moviegoers into buying tickets based on the recommendations of Manning, an invention of the studio's marketing department. The suit, filed in 2001, accused Sony of unfair business practices, including the "intentional and systematic deception of consumers," by using fabricated quotes attributed to Manning.

Sony is a genius. This is the best marketing ploy ever! I mean, really, come on. How many movies have you wanted to see that were absolutely horrible? Sure, there are plenty of movies that I have seen that I questioned the mental health of its writers and producers, but does that mean that they should be held responsible that I had to watch it? In a perfect world, yes. But realistically, get real. And why should they? Movies, just like sports or food, is about preference. What one person believes to be trash would be another's gem, right? And another thing, why would you judge a movie based on a "critic"? I mean, if you already made up your mind about a particular movie, would a "critic" be able to dissuade you from your assumption of whether the movie was good or bad. Probably not. Now if you are unsure of whether you want to spend the money on a movie, and count on the opinions of "critics" to help you decided if you should spend your money on a movie, then that's your fault not theirs. I mean, come on. If you are unsure of whether you want to pay the amount of see a movie, then obviously you don't want to see the movie enough and shouldn't be complaining that you were "lured" into the theaters. Next thing you know, someone is going to sue McDonalds for advertising that they sell healthy food.

Give me a break.

Funny Thoughts on Marriage

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater".

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes, I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.