Government Monitoring Phone Calls

According to an article in the Washington Post today, the National Security Agency has been collecting the phone call records of ordinary Americans since just after 9/11. And I, for one, embrace this new policy. In fact, I say we take it even further.

I want an unidentified federal agent living in my house and tracking my every move. I don't want the name of this person or the reason for their stay. As long as they follow me around and record every coming, going, meal, phone call, e-mail, television viewing, bodily function, letter opening, fight, and chore that occurs -- and as long as it is in the name of an unspecified national security interest -- then I am game and excited to be part of the team. And hey, if the guy could talk down to me every once in a while, well, that's just great. Let's get started!

Mr. President, forget all of these pansy naysayers. The sooner you start poking through my cabinets and up my ass for terrorists, the happier THIS happy patriot is going to be. Thank you and good night.