Beckham, Baby

So have you heard the good news? David Beckham, the hottie with the naugthy body of the soccer world and European megastar, is coming to play for the United States!! Oh yeah, that’s the best news I’ve heard all week!! But man, Dave-‘ol-buddy, you are going to be disappointed with our apathetic soccer fans, horrible international standings within the soccer world, and a government that doesn’t give a damn about soccer. But jolly good job, mate, hopefully you can turn things around!

But really, can you believe this? What are the odds that David Beckham…DAVID BECKHAM…would wind up in L.A., playing with fellow hottie (but big douche bag) Landon Donovan? And that his big ass $250 million contract would already include endorsements? Slim to none, from what I thought. In any case, David, I look forward to meeting you, teaching you about our American customs, and screaming at you when you come to play. Beware of the major differences between here and Europe. You see, here we call "football" "soccer," David. And we call "American football" just "football." Still with me? And instead of saying "Becks" we say "David Beckham." Welcome to America! You've got a lot to learn, my friend.

Now that we will reside in the same country and in the same state, much less, I look forward to hearing from you.