Tourist

In my normal, day-to-day life, I am fairly pro-tourist. I have a distaste for those who try to prove how “city” they are by constantly grousing about the tourists being under foot. I feel flattered and lucky to live in an area people like enough to visit during their hard-earned vacations.

And now, here comes the big but.

I think I reached a tipping point today.

With school out and the nice weather to enjoy, the tourists have really descended. And over the last few days, it has reached code-red levels on my commute.

The problem doesn't lie with all tourists. Just the stupid, oblivious ones. Those who insist on taking the train during rush hour, and being totally unprepared for the experience. Like here are the Andersons from Montana, milling around in front of the ticket gate, blocking everyone's way, while Dad curses euphemistically as he tries to figure out how the tickets go into the slot. The babies are screeching and the older kids are running around while Mom chases futilely after them. "Tyler? Tyler? Get back here. This is counterproductive behavior, young man. Remember our discussion? Caitlin! Don't touch that. Tyler! Tyler, Don’t Kick The Nice Man! This is WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!"

I maneuver past them and board the train. But a few stops down, there's a huge, extended, rather overly-permed family (I'm guessing they're from the Dakotas) waiting. The doors open. They hover uncertainly in front of them (again, blocking everyone's path). They wonder aloud: "Do you think this is the right train? Should we get on? Excuse me, sir? Does this go Downtown?" At the very last second, they decide to waddle aboard. All freakin’ twenty-seven of them. Shouting and playing and laughing like hyenas. Meanwhile, the doors are trying to close on them, which just makes them laugh harder, blithely unaware of the fact that blocking the doors is the fastest way to break the train, meaning we'd all have to get off and cram onto the next one. Looks like I picked the wrong day to leave my gun at home.

So tourists, if you're reading this, I want to say a few things: This is a real, working city. This is not Six Flags. The subway is not a roller coaster. Some of us are just trying to get to and from work. I could go on and on. I could talk about you constantly breaking the ironclad rule of not standing on the left side of the escalator. But I guess I'll stop. In the meantime, I've got my eye on you. Better shape up. Or at least, travel during the hours of 10 and 3 on the train.

That’d be much appreciated. Thanks.