Deal Breakers
Last night, I was talking to this dude and we got to talking about our deal breakers. Now, we all have deal breakers when it comes to relationships, but I haven’t really thought about mine in awhile. Sure, when dating, there are red flags that can raise your suspicions, but deal breakers are on a whole ‘nother level. So, as a little mental exercise for myself, I thought I’d put (in writing) what some of my most important deal breakers are right now.
1. Baggage – In this point in my life, I can’t deal with a guy who has a lot of baggage. I mean, I have stress and emotional baggage as much as the next person…but I’m talking about serious baggage…prison record, disease(s), a crazy ex-wife, kid(s), etc. It’s all just too much for me to handle. Sure, people say that if you really love someone you can overlook certain things…and you know what? That may be true. But there is only so long that you can overlook a kid…pretty soon they grow up and wind up straight in your line of vision. Ha! Get it? Overlook…grow up…? OK…moving right along.
2. Education – A 4-year college education. College is important and a must-have in this world now. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t, at least, have that foundation to stand on. I once dated a guy who told me he went to Devry University…but he assured me that he received the same education that I did at Cal…and then proceeded to talk nonstop about how the future of the United States government would be run once the checks and balances system is eliminated…um…ok…I don’t remember learning that at Cal in any of my political science classes…but, hey, maybe I missed a day.
3. Financial Stability – Yes, this means having a real job...and I don't mean working at the mall, restaurant or street corner. I mean, a grown-up job. Yes, I know, I'm being picky...but hey, I'm just being honest. Also, I’m not in debt and he shouldn’t be either. Well, ok, let me rephrase that, he shouldn’t have "bad" debt. There is such a thing as "good" debt vs. "bad" debt. The "good" debt doesn’t bother me too much, you know…the dude still has car payments, mortgage payments, student loans…all that kinda “good” stuff that he’s still trying to pay off (and is working to pay off). But I guess I’m talking more about the credit card debt that is constantly mounting due to poor spending habits and decisions. If a dude is swimming in debt, but still insists on surrounding himself with brand names…that’s a problem in my book. I have great credit history, I know how to save money, and I spend my money wisely…someone who can’t relate to that and/or doesn’t practice that…is definitely not a good fit for me. Being able to live happily within your means is an essential skill to have.
4. Passion/Drive/Attitude – He’s gotta have that competitive edge and drive…in a game and in life. This one might not be so easy to spot right off the bat…but it is pretty important. I need to be with someone who understands my competitive spirit and shares the desire to push to be…better. Does that make any sense? I need to be with someone who I can grow with, someone who can push me to be a better person, someone who doesn’t settle for things just being ok…but strives for things to be better. He has to want to get things done and has a drive that always keeps him going. That’s the best way I can describe it. Oh, and on that note, he’s has to have an independent attitude and a passion to explore the unknown…those are must haves too.
5. Strong Family Connection – I’ll be honest, this never used to be that high on my list. I mean, I never used to care if a guy had a strong family connection with his own family...as long as he understood that I have a strong connection with my family. But to tell you the truth, how can I be with someone, and expect them to take part in my family stuff (i.e. those traditional family holiday gatherings, Chinese New Year festivities, cemetery visits, having to listen to all my family drama, etc.), when he may not understand what it’s like to be a part of a family in general? Sure, we all have relatives and family members that we have issues with (I know I certainly do)...but I'm talking more about core family connections. And maybe this relates more on a cultural level vs. a regular family dynamic…I don’t know. But because there are quite a few random traditional things that my family still practices (yeah, thankfully, my mom is a real stickler in making sure we don’t lose sight of our traditional values)…family is important.
Knowing what your deal breakers are up front is very important in any relationship. And sure, there are plenty of other qualities that are important in a guy…but I think this partial list is a pretty good jumping off point for me to keep in mind. And yes, I do admit, that there can be an exception to any rule…although, I have yet to meet anyone I’d be willing to make an exception for…but hey, it’s out there.
1. Baggage – In this point in my life, I can’t deal with a guy who has a lot of baggage. I mean, I have stress and emotional baggage as much as the next person…but I’m talking about serious baggage…prison record, disease(s), a crazy ex-wife, kid(s), etc. It’s all just too much for me to handle. Sure, people say that if you really love someone you can overlook certain things…and you know what? That may be true. But there is only so long that you can overlook a kid…pretty soon they grow up and wind up straight in your line of vision. Ha! Get it? Overlook…grow up…? OK…moving right along.
2. Education – A 4-year college education. College is important and a must-have in this world now. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t, at least, have that foundation to stand on. I once dated a guy who told me he went to Devry University…but he assured me that he received the same education that I did at Cal…and then proceeded to talk nonstop about how the future of the United States government would be run once the checks and balances system is eliminated…um…ok…I don’t remember learning that at Cal in any of my political science classes…but, hey, maybe I missed a day.
3. Financial Stability – Yes, this means having a real job...and I don't mean working at the mall, restaurant or street corner. I mean, a grown-up job. Yes, I know, I'm being picky...but hey, I'm just being honest. Also, I’m not in debt and he shouldn’t be either. Well, ok, let me rephrase that, he shouldn’t have "bad" debt. There is such a thing as "good" debt vs. "bad" debt. The "good" debt doesn’t bother me too much, you know…the dude still has car payments, mortgage payments, student loans…all that kinda “good” stuff that he’s still trying to pay off (and is working to pay off). But I guess I’m talking more about the credit card debt that is constantly mounting due to poor spending habits and decisions. If a dude is swimming in debt, but still insists on surrounding himself with brand names…that’s a problem in my book. I have great credit history, I know how to save money, and I spend my money wisely…someone who can’t relate to that and/or doesn’t practice that…is definitely not a good fit for me. Being able to live happily within your means is an essential skill to have.
4. Passion/Drive/Attitude – He’s gotta have that competitive edge and drive…in a game and in life. This one might not be so easy to spot right off the bat…but it is pretty important. I need to be with someone who understands my competitive spirit and shares the desire to push to be…better. Does that make any sense? I need to be with someone who I can grow with, someone who can push me to be a better person, someone who doesn’t settle for things just being ok…but strives for things to be better. He has to want to get things done and has a drive that always keeps him going. That’s the best way I can describe it. Oh, and on that note, he’s has to have an independent attitude and a passion to explore the unknown…those are must haves too.
5. Strong Family Connection – I’ll be honest, this never used to be that high on my list. I mean, I never used to care if a guy had a strong family connection with his own family...as long as he understood that I have a strong connection with my family. But to tell you the truth, how can I be with someone, and expect them to take part in my family stuff (i.e. those traditional family holiday gatherings, Chinese New Year festivities, cemetery visits, having to listen to all my family drama, etc.), when he may not understand what it’s like to be a part of a family in general? Sure, we all have relatives and family members that we have issues with (I know I certainly do)...but I'm talking more about core family connections. And maybe this relates more on a cultural level vs. a regular family dynamic…I don’t know. But because there are quite a few random traditional things that my family still practices (yeah, thankfully, my mom is a real stickler in making sure we don’t lose sight of our traditional values)…family is important.
Knowing what your deal breakers are up front is very important in any relationship. And sure, there are plenty of other qualities that are important in a guy…but I think this partial list is a pretty good jumping off point for me to keep in mind. And yes, I do admit, that there can be an exception to any rule…although, I have yet to meet anyone I’d be willing to make an exception for…but hey, it’s out there.
Posted by kristina
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